On the theme of love, this year I did something wild, all in the name of it.
On January the 21st I moved 5,437 miles away from London and headed off to Los Angeles the city that not only shares the same initials as me but also currently holds my heart.
I’ve always believed that around the world there are places that energetically match up to you and deep down after 14 years I knew that London and I were no longer in tune. We had broken up, the end of a love affair that was never really deep enough, I still liked London though, I still thought it was super cool and great looking, it’s just I just didn’t want to hang out anymore. We were now, just friends, and truthfully I realized, with a lot of anxiety that it had never felt like home. I felt displaced.
Five years ago I visited LA to see old friends and meet new strangers. As I was enveloped by this city I felt an old familiar feeling inside, one that I recognized from many years ago every time my train rolled into Santa Maria Novella train station, to my old home in Florence. It was the same feeling that was accompanied by a massive anxiety that it might get taken away. It was a feeling that made me feel weak kneed and breathless. It was love.
That trip turned into many more and when 2014 hit, I realized that the displacement I was feeling was divinely attuned to guide me to discover a new place to rest my head. The grass is always greener on the other side, right? It’s true and you must not run away from somewhere and expect things to magically be better. However, for me, the great thing was that nothing was wrong; I didn’t want to run away, I was just ready.
At the start of my 35th year I felt absolutely ready to do everything in the name of love, a love I have for me. I believe in a practice called positive selfishness and it requires a constant respecting for the inner soul system. When something shouts out, you listen. When something doesn’t feel good, you honour that. When all signs point to yes, you damn well have to trust them.
So here I am, one month in. Moving to a new city is equally alarming, humbling and thrilling. I am wide eyed with excitement, constantly embarrassed and moment-by-moment full of fear and wonder. But beyond all of that, I am floored with gratitude for being able to be here and I’m proud of myself for committing to change, wherever it was going to take me.
I’m hurling myself out of my comfort zone and I am committing to my own personal change. In order to enjoy the naivety that I believe is essential to a new beginning I’m learning to accept help and learning to ask for it. I am fiercely independent and almost intolerantly protective of my time, but every time I surrender this up, I feel that love rush in ten fold.
Los Angeles has opened its arms to me and every fear I have is overshadowed by the love that surrounds me. Every day that I am here brings more grip to my step.
You may not have the power to wave a magic wand and change everything in an instant. However, what you can do is commit to moving, with willingness and intent, in the direction of those invisible strings that are tugging silently on your heart.
Main image: Loulou by me. All other photos by Loulou
