I’d rather be naked

Let’s take a week off from talking about the things that we do like, and talk about what we don’t like. People who claim to not care about fashion, well perhaps they don’t, but without a doubt they make very conscious decisions about what they will and won’t wear. I’d wager the mental list of things that they wouldn’t be caught dead in is a lot longer than the list of stuff they’d be happy to wear.  

First things first I wish to speak about a plague upon the high street. Something called carrot fit. Yeah you read that right. Men’s trousers, whilst being a relatively simple item are constantly being redesigned and rarely to good effect. Banana fit I can just about cope with, drop crotch, well that’s ok on some people, but who brought carrots into it? Like harem pants for guys they’re as unflattering as they are uncomfortable. I’m going to make this really clear for everyone, so listen up, there is no way I’m wearing an item of clothing that was designed upon the aesthetic merits of a root vegetable. Is that simple enough? 

“No-one knows I’m wearing a nappy”

Combats, cargo pants call them what you will they just won’t go away. I’m not entirely innocent, and in the drunken haze that was university I, like pretty much everyone else, sported pockets up and down my leg with gay abandon. But you live and learn. Even high end designers are doing them this season. I won’t name names but I will say this, Are you in the army? No? Well then don’t wear combats. Who needs that many pockets anyway? Haven’t these people heard of bags? 

Espadrilles…I know they’re summery and that’s swell but really it’s a very ugly shoe design. How unglamorous, how functional and the ones with, what is it wicker on them? Shoes partially made from straw? Does that sound attractive? No and neither does it look attractive. Case closed. Also giving espadrilles a run for their money were Crocs, MBTs and Uggs. I don’t mind MBTs because the sight of someone teetering back and forth on them while trying to hide their own profound lack of self-respect always makes me laugh. “They’re good for your back!” People cry. I have a chronic back condition; you know what’s good for it? Painkillers and some really nice shoes. My doctor said so.
“Do you like my shoes? I made them myself!”
Leather trousers. ‘Classic rock’ sounds more like a bad radio station your Dad might listen to rather than a genuine sartorial statement and I don’t believe they feature in any specific current trend but they’re high on everyone’s list of fashion dont’s. I might have tried a pair on once, but it was a long time ago and everyone involved is now mysteriously and tragically dead. But there is one exception to this rule, Buffy. She can wear leather trousers whenever she likes, and if you have something to say about it, go right ahead, she’ll answer you with a roundhouse kick to the face.

This one isn’t over. I know you’ll have some additions to this ever growing list so email me or tweet at me and we’ll come back to right the fashion wrongs of the world, laugh at our own mistakes.

Things I DO like this week – 

Grenson Suede brogues @asos
Topman AAA scarves
Penhaligons ‘Sartorial’ fragrance

Words by Warren Beckett